Just Terrible!

I feel awful right now. I hate when I get this way. I could be having the greatest day of my life and then all of the sudden this mood just hits me. I don't really know what I'm feeling. I guess in a word: depressed. I actually really hate using that word. I feel like people use it without thinking about what it really means so really I guess a better word for the way I feel is "down". Kyle told me to blog about it and it will help so I guess for the 20 minutes I have before I have to sleep this is what I'll be doing.

Maybe I don't want to be doing this. I'm not good at sharing these things you humans call "feelings". Sometimes I feel like I'm a robot and I'm sure that everyone else probably thinks this, too. I don't really show much emotion. I think, subconsciously, I think that if I do it is a sign of weakness and reveals too much about myself. Sometimes I feel that I'm actually too complex for me to even try to figure out. I know that probably everyone is as complex, though, I'm really nothing special.

I hate the way that my moods are always changing. It gets on my nerves and I get so mad at myself. I wish I could control them better. I don't think most people realize when I'm feeling down or anxiety or anything, really. I'm a very good actor and can cover it up pretty well by saying things like "Oh, I'm just really tired" or by acting like a complete retard as always except I'll be completely dead behind the eyes.

You see, the thing is, when I feel this way I need constant reassurance that I'm not a waste of space and that people actually care about me. The problem with that is I never let anybody know that I'm feeling this way so how are they to know I need this extra care? I think I may need a therapist but I'm too scared that if I get one they will tell me there is something wrong with me. If something IS really wrong with me I don't know if I would rather go on undiagnosed and still feel the least bit of normalcy in my life or have them diagnose it and be on medication for the rest of my life and have everyone know I'm crazy.

I wish I could tell you what sets these moods off or what it is that I'm upset about but I really don't know. There doesn't really seem to be anything in particular I just get massive feelings of self-doubt and just the feeling that I'm not worth even a second glance. I don't know...I should go to bed and stop whining to a computer screen about it. What good is that going to do? Although, I have to admit it feels a little better to kind of get this off of my chest. Goodbye.